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Thursday, September 29, 2016

Observations on the Moon family from Earth.

There's an expression in English: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm not sure of its origins - certainly Anglo-Saxons are fond of agrarian metaphors, as well as those concerning fruit. In any case, the expression means that a child often grows up to resemble their parent, particularly their father.

Fathers and sons. Progeny and progeniture. Genetically, emotionally and spiritually bonded, except it seems in the case of the Moons.

In fact,  I've rarely seen an apple fall farther from a tree than in the case of Stephen and Edward Moon. Maybe once - that time I visited a farm during a tornado, but that was a different.

Stephen Moon seems to be a man's man. Rugged, stoic, paranoid and libertarian. He has a healthy fear of the government, as well as a healthy respect for privacy. He uses moose to circumambulate. He kills wolves via drone strikes.

Edward, by contrast, is a gawky, pale teen in search of meaning. His forays to the coffee machine and the photocopier have taught him nothing about the real world. His continued attempts to connect with a patriarchal figure via the music of his time - rock and roll, seem fruitless.

Which brings us back to fruit. We've come full-circle. While Stephen Moon seems to be as American as apple pie in his violence, self-sufficiency and thirst for gold, he also seems a bit bananas. The younger Moon, Edward, well, let's just say there's no comparing the two - They're apples and oranges.

What did you think of the pair?


Thursday, August 25, 2016

Confession Time

Susan Bliss is my lover 
She's just a girl that says that I am the one
   But this dork definitely is NOT my son.

I hope this picture and music illustrates the situation as of this weekend's episode. Feel free to tell me about your children in the comments!

Thursday, July 28, 2016

My so called dad

I have to admit, I was mildly surprised to find out that Bruno was my father. He doesn't look like me, and I've never once got the impression that hard rock oozes from his trousers. Never seen him wield an axe or write a hit song.

Truth be told, Bruno only made number 5 on my 'Who I would want my dad to be if it wasn't Kevin Moon, geography teacher from Leeds' in my personal journal.

Let's have a look a number 1-4.

1. Freddy Mercury

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A unique voice that vibrated in ways that science is only now beginning to understand. Turned women weak at the knees. Can't believe he didn't sire more children.

2. James Bond

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I'm allowing myself one entry that is a fictional character (or is he?). I'm thinking the looks of Pierce Brosnan with the chest hair of Sean Connery. Knowing my luck I'd probably end up with the acting skills of Roger Moore and the popularity of George Lazenby.

3. Brian May.

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I had to include a member of Queen that wasn't Freddy Mercury, if not they'd get jealous. I'd happily inherit his wonderful long curly hair though.

4. Mick Jagger

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Let's face it, I could well be his son the way old snake hips has put it about over the years. I actually hate his music, but I admire him as a businessman - he's made a ton of money of the years. I'm sure, unlike Kevin 'tight arse' Moon, he would have bought me a BMX bike for my 9th birthday and I wouldn't have ended up as such a journal-writing nutcase with compulsive disorders! LOL!

Anyway, please share your Top 4 (anything, I'm not fussy).

Until next time, have a fabulous Funky Friday!


Thursday, June 23, 2016

Q + A with Susan Bliss

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I thought Susie handled her Q & A session with aplomb, though I admit I was wounded when she mentioned that she systematically deletes my e-mails. I mean a lot of those e-mails feature cute kitten pictures and forwarded chain mails. It's not only unsolicited nudes.

Personally I would have prefered T & A with Susan Bliss, but hey, I'm just a mysogynistic jerk that's less evolved than a caveman, or so my dentist keeps telling me.

I think Bruno did a great job too emceeing the whole event, especially when he had to pronounce all those difficult user names, but I can't help but wonder what kind of questions would be asked of me.

What would you ask me, Gymglish users? What would you ask any of us? My life is an open book... or maybe a comic book. Your turn to get inside my head, and possibly inside my pants. Fire away!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Social media is real life, kids

Hi world,

I've just had a look at the new social media profiles, they're AMAZING! I want to befriend these Delavigne managers immediately. I thought we were friends already, but now I know only social media can bring real friendship.

Who knew that my colleagues could be so attractive and distinguished? I mean, I have lunch with them every day and I just can't see past Icarus's ticks, Susan's spots or Philip's belching. Thanks social media, you really know how to portray people in their truest light!

I just hope they get the validation they need by racking up those likes, views, followers, thumbs-up and contacts on LockedIn. That's what truly matters!

Have a great weekend online, and don't forget to 'Like' me, my page is below!

Brian Jones

Thursday, April 28, 2016

A model life?


So, I've got a fair few modelling jobs under my (leopard skin) belt now: Vercase, Armani, Chanel, and that commercial for Japanese dog food.

I've been flown around, pushed about, prodded, made up, made out with, made up with, photographed, filmed, x-rayed, threatened, admired, chatted up, beaten up, blown up, thrown up over, bent over, run over and made over to do it all again...

And that's just a typical morning as a male model.

To be honest, I've had enough, and I miss my photocopier. Delavigne was pretty good to me, and I would love to see my old colleagues (except Brian, who I will never be able to look in the eye again).

That's why I'm applying to have my old intern job back, and if Bruno will have me (not in the way Brian did after the photo shoot), I will get back to being talked down to, never made up to, ordered to make coffee, slapped about, verbally assaulted and locked in the stationery cupboard. How could a young lad from England want anything more?

Anyway, I guess this is my 15 minutes of fame. I have to go now and clean what appears to be flour off of Kate Moch's breasts. It can be really grizzly work, this modelling business.

Hopefully, If Bruno has any kindness left in him, the next time you see me, I'll be back where I belong - on top of the Delavigne photocopy machine. I'll be waiting for you.


Thursday, March 24, 2016


Hello everyone,

Usually I have more time to write this, but I find I'm quite busy since I got RIPPED (see photo below).

The main reason is: GIRLS. They are noticing me. I walk down the street and I get looks. In almost any situation - coffee shops, the super market, the guardians of Freddy Mercury social club - I seem to end up talking to girls, then we go out for a drink, then back to my place and it all inevitably leads to one thing: HEAVY HAND HOLDING. Sometimes both hands!

Being as buff as Chuck Norris's tougher brother is a lot more effective than my previous strategy: MUSIC (playing the guitar, vague talk about writing an album, pretending I've got shows coming up, blah blah blah).

So if there are any severely unattractive men reading this, I recommend getting your skinny 'asses' to the gym. There is of course a third strategy that works pretty well, but I've never been able to try it being an unpaid intern: BEING RICH. However, this may all change over with my new job. I haven't yet decided if I'll become a male model, rock star or bodyguard, but it's mathematiclly impossible not to earn more money than I do at Delavigne. I'll probably take the weekend to think about the best career path and maybe 'talk' it over with Debbie, Rebbecca, Susan, Johanna, Christel and Kibi the ladyboy.

Have a nice weekend everyone

PS: Here's a cheeky bonus for you!