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The Delavigne Corporation Blog

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The Delavigne Corporation Blog

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Confession Time




Susan Bliss is my lover 
She's just a girl that says that I am the one
   But this dork definitely is NOT my son.


I hope this picture and music illustrates the situation as of this weekend's episode. Feel free to tell me about your children in the comments!



Thursday, July 28, 2016

My so called dad

I have to admit, I was mildly surprised to find out that Bruno was my father. He doesn't look like me, and I've never once got the impression that hard rock oozes from his trousers. Never seen him wield an axe or write a hit song.

Truth be told, Bruno only made number 5 on my 'Who I would want my dad to be if it wasn't Kevin Moon, geography teacher from Leeds' in my personal journal.

Let's have a look a number 1-4.

1. Freddy Mercury

See original image

A unique voice that vibrated in ways that science is only now beginning to understand. Turned women weak at the knees. Can't believe he didn't sire more children.

2. James Bond

See original image

I'm allowing myself one entry that is a fictional character (or is he?). I'm thinking the looks of Pierce Brosnan with the chest hair of Sean Connery. Knowing my luck I'd probably end up with the acting skills of Roger Moore and the popularity of George Lazenby.

3. Brian May.

See original image

I had to include a member of Queen that wasn't Freddy Mercury, if not they'd get jealous. I'd happily inherit his wonderful long curly hair though.

4. Mick Jagger

Image result for mick jagger

Let's face it, I could well be his son the way old snake hips has put it about over the years. I actually hate his music, but I admire him as a businessman - he's made a ton of money of the years. I'm sure, unlike Kevin 'tight arse' Moon, he would have bought me a BMX bike for my 9th birthday and I wouldn't have ended up as such a journal-writing nutcase with compulsive disorders! LOL!

Anyway, please share your Top 4 (anything, I'm not fussy).

Until next time, have a fabulous Funky Friday!

Edward


Thursday, June 23, 2016

Q + A with Susan Bliss


Image result for q + a

I thought Susie handled her Q & A session with aplomb, though I admit I was wounded when she mentioned that she systematically deletes my e-mails. I mean a lot of those e-mails feature cute kitten pictures and forwarded chain mails. It's not only unsolicited nudes.

Personally I would have prefered T & A with Susan Bliss, but hey, I'm just a mysogynistic jerk that's less evolved than a caveman, or so my dentist keeps telling me.

I think Bruno did a great job too emceeing the whole event, especially when he had to pronounce all those difficult user names, but I can't help but wonder what kind of questions would be asked of me.

What would you ask me, Gymglish users? What would you ask any of us? My life is an open book... or maybe a comic book. Your turn to get inside my head, and possibly inside my pants. Fire away!


Thursday, May 26, 2016

Social media is real life, kids

Hi world,

I've just had a look at the new social media profiles, they're AMAZING! I want to befriend these Delavigne managers immediately. I thought we were friends already, but now I know only social media can bring real friendship.

Who knew that my colleagues could be so attractive and distinguished? I mean, I have lunch with them every day and I just can't see past Icarus's ticks, Susan's spots or Philip's belching. Thanks social media, you really know how to portray people in their truest light!

I just hope they get the validation they need by racking up those likes, views, followers, thumbs-up and contacts on LockedIn. That's what truly matters!



Have a great weekend online, and don't forget to 'Like' me, my page is below!

Brian Jones
https://www.facebook.com/brianasjones



Thursday, April 28, 2016

A model life?

Hello,

So, I've got a fair few modelling jobs under my (leopard skin) belt now: Vercase, Armani, Chanel, and that commercial for Japanese dog food.

I've been flown around, pushed about, prodded, made up, made out with, made up with, photographed, filmed, x-rayed, threatened, admired, chatted up, beaten up, blown up, thrown up over, bent over, run over and made over to do it all again...

And that's just a typical morning as a male model.

To be honest, I've had enough, and I miss my photocopier. Delavigne was pretty good to me, and I would love to see my old colleagues (except Brian, who I will never be able to look in the eye again).

That's why I'm applying to have my old intern job back, and if Bruno will have me (not in the way Brian did after the photo shoot), I will get back to being talked down to, never made up to, ordered to make coffee, slapped about, verbally assaulted and locked in the stationery cupboard. How could a young lad from England want anything more?

Anyway, I guess this is my 15 minutes of fame. I have to go now and clean what appears to be flour off of Kate Moch's breasts. It can be really grizzly work, this modelling business.

Hopefully, If Bruno has any kindness left in him, the next time you see me, I'll be back where I belong - on top of the Delavigne photocopy machine. I'll be waiting for you.


Edward
xxx

Thursday, March 24, 2016

R.I.P. NON-RIPPED EDWARD

Hello everyone,

Usually I have more time to write this, but I find I'm quite busy since I got RIPPED (see photo below).



The main reason is: GIRLS. They are noticing me. I walk down the street and I get looks. In almost any situation - coffee shops, the super market, the guardians of Freddy Mercury social club - I seem to end up talking to girls, then we go out for a drink, then back to my place and it all inevitably leads to one thing: HEAVY HAND HOLDING. Sometimes both hands!

Being as buff as Chuck Norris's tougher brother is a lot more effective than my previous strategy: MUSIC (playing the guitar, vague talk about writing an album, pretending I've got shows coming up, blah blah blah).

So if there are any severely unattractive men reading this, I recommend getting your skinny 'asses' to the gym. There is of course a third strategy that works pretty well, but I've never been able to try it being an unpaid intern: BEING RICH. However, this may all change over with my new job. I haven't yet decided if I'll become a male model, rock star or bodyguard, but it's mathematiclly impossible not to earn more money than I do at Delavigne. I'll probably take the weekend to think about the best career path and maybe 'talk' it over with Debbie, Rebbecca, Susan, Johanna, Christel and Kibi the ladyboy.

Have a nice weekend everyone
BIG ED
X

PS: Here's a cheeky bonus for you!




Thursday, February 25, 2016

Big Bang

Hi, it's top Eddie here.

Did you hear that explosion? What do you mean what explosion? That HUGE explosion on the second floor. Well, I SAW that explosion. It looked a lot like this.



Well it didn't look exactly like that. Bruno wasn't exactly calmly walking away from the explosion. He was nowhere to be seen until somebody found him under a pile of rubble in a puddle of - let's be generous - embryonic perfume. Quite.

So everyone is pretty excited about what is going to be built to replace the smouldering crater on the second floor. I would prefer a recording studio, as my own is a bit small and I can't get a full 90-piece orchestra into it (two words: film scores). What would you like to be seen built there? Maybe you're happy with the crater?

Anyway, enjoy the rest of this very funky Friday and I hope some of the funk spills over into your weekend - a bit like Bruno's 'perfume' spilt all over him.

Bye

Ed