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Thursday, November 23, 2017

Coaching Brian

I have to admit, the part of Life Coach is not one I ever expected to play. I'm a perfume man, through and through. Always have been and always will be. To be honest, I expect to be in the fragrance game until I'm dead, buried, and giving off my own unique odors under ground while pushing daisies.

In order to train to be a life coach, I figured I should do some due diligence and learn from the great minds that have inspired people over the years. Here are some quotes I've come across while preparing for working with Brian, as well as my own notes.
What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ralph, what lies inside of me is mostly champagne and intestines. Still, I see your point.
Believe you can and you're halfway there. -Theodore Roosevelt
 Well Teddy, what if I want to believe I'm the whole way there? That would speed things up considerably. PS. How can I have a bear named after me?
Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you. -Walt Whitman
 Wise words, Walter. What happens when the sun melts due to global warming though?
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. -Nathaniel Hawthorne
Nathaniel my man, I never tire of your butterfly talk. Rock on.
Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. -Maya Angelou
This quote seems to directly contradict Mick Jagger's advice to Get Off Of His Cloud, but I'll keep it in mind.

Let's give my friend Arnold the last word. If he can't motivate you, no one can.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Brian's new ring tone


Edward here! Brian asked me to make him a new ring tone that suits his new life as a sailor. He wanted something classical with strings and piano. I thought, nah, he probably wants some experimental drum and bass. So that's what I gave him. Apparently he put it on his cellphone but unfortunately it was soon eaten by a zucchini (their threat cannot be underestimated on the four seas).

I've still got this music file though. Feel free to download it and put it on your mobile if you like. I guarantee you will completely look forward to receiving a call (best pick it up quickly, I've noticed I get nose bleed if I listen to it for too long).

Bye for now. Must go, hit ring tones don't write themselves!


Thursday, September 28, 2017

Brian is NOT in the kitchen


No one's seen Brian for a while.

However, we did receive a mysterious communication from him (see below). I have no idea what it means. He seems to be in some kind of trouble, but everyone in work is taking it with a large pinch of salt. The last time he sent us a Morse code message, he'd just locked himself in his office. He was furiously banging out Morse code on the door. We let him out after Icarus had finally deciphered Brian's message. Pretty quick, too. Only like 37.5 hours.

Anyway here is the message for your own ears. It's a youtube video sent from some fisherman's phone on a boat in the English channel. Weird and quite lazy, actually. Disappointed that Brain couldn't be bothered to hammer out his Morse code the traditional way, like he did on his office door. That was great!

See you next time. And if you see Brian, tell him that Bruno looking for him.



Thursday, August 24, 2017

Soggy messages in broken bottles

Hello everyone,

You'll be happy to know that your favourite intern has been promoted! Actually, it's not really a promotion, I'm just looking after the 'mail' while Polly is on holiday.

We receive all sorts of things, letters, parcels, pizzas, that sort of thing. But the most unexpected delivery - we seem to be getting quite a few messages in bottles running ashore at the office. Weird, right?

I've managed to carefully open the bottles by smashing them on the floor (despite the manual dexterity that my guitar playing affords me, my hands are far too weak to pull a cork out of a bottle). Once open, or lying on the floor in a million pieces, it's quite hard to read the soggy notes that were held within. All I can see is it is from someone in a British refugee camp in France. They are being horribly tortured, having to drink tea instead of coffee. The name at the end is always partly smudged and difficult to decipher: I can make out a 'BRI', or an 'A', then just a 'RIAN' in the last letter written in brown felt-tip on toilet paper. I have absolutely no idea who these mysterious bottles are from, but I'm pretty sure they are a pervert and I hope they will stop soon. I've disposed of all the bottles and seaweed and wet letters in the bin. That's what Brian would have done. I wonder how he's doing by the way?

Anyway, all this talk of messages in bottles has got me thinking of Message in a Bottle by The Police. It's strange how my mind makes connections sometimes. Sting might not be the nicest human being, but boy can he write a hit song!

For those who don't have a music O level, a quick summary. The lively C#minor verse structure modulates into a very exciting G major pre-chorus, building to a climax in E minor, which then exquisitely lands back in the tonic for a remarkably minimalist chorus, gently bobbing on the sea like a bottle returning to the surface for air. But don't take my word for it, listen below!

Until next time!

Thursday, June 29, 2017

No hard feelings

Hi Everyone,

Remember this?

I just wanted to say there's no hard feelings about last month's vote. You didn't want me to be the president of Europe and that's fine. I was of course a bit disappointed that I only got a few more votes than Krazy Gideon, the insane moderator who wasn't even running, but, hey, that's politics I guess. 

I have decided to withdraw from the public eye and concentrate on my original loves, photocopying and songwriting. You can expect a new album from me soon, accompanied by an extraordinarily hefty pile of xeroxed documents. It's what I'm good at after all. Well, I know how do some basic operations on the photocopier anyway. 

Maybe in a couple of years, I might try and be the president of my local chess club, but I'm not promising anything. 

Until next time, here's a song for you that goes towards capturing my unique sense of melancholy (sprinkled with flashes of unbridled insanity). Enjoy. 


Wednesday, May 24, 2017

A message from your future President

Okay, I know TV has tight schedules: programs are timed to the millisecond, and they are sometimes obliged to cut stuff out of broadcasts. However, Krazy Gideon's decision to leave out my comments from the recent presidential debate is, quite frankly, crazy annoying.

That's right, I made some very important comments on the environment. It is criminal that perspective voters were not allowed to hear what I tried to say, and above all, try and imagine what I might have said if had better communication skills.

Fortunately, a bloke who works in the VT room owes me a favour (I let him punch me in the face once), so he was able to give me a recording of this part of the debate.

Here it is, below, in its full, uncut glory. Powerful words at a time when others are not saying powerful words. Most presidential candidates don't even know any power chords on the guitar. I know 3!

There you have it. Unlike other candidates, I have a consistent policy on the environment: I don't really know what it is, and I don't know what to do about it. 

As I also proposed in the debate, I promise to firmly place cheddar cheese at the heart of Europe. I will usher in a glorious era of cheese and pickle sandwiches (with a generous helping of ready salted crisps to compliment the taste). There is not a metaphor here, I just really like this taste combination.


Thursday, March 30, 2017

Some Next Level Stuff

It's come to my attention that only a few Funky loyalists reader are staying faithful to this blog. Thus, I give you only a brief post to let you know that I will miss the robots: their dull, automaton eyes void of human feeling. Their occasional beeping sounds that won't stop until they are charged... I'm getting emotional just thinking of how emotionless they are.
Even though Edward and Brian destroyed my robot utopia, I hope that the entire staff learned something from these beautiful, soulless androids. I know I did. They taught me how to love again. And how to dance.